On Shaky Ground

I’m having one of those days.  You know those days, where you question whether or not you have any business being a writer.  My confidence is shaken.  I never finished college, even when I was there I wasn’t studying writing.  I keep thinking maybe if I had gone to school, or taken some classes in writing I wouldn’t feel so lost right now.  I’d know what to do.

But the thing about college is you need money to go, and I just never had enough.  Well that and I guess the desire to finish just wasn’t there.  To be honest, if I had the money to go to school right now, I’m not sure I would.  It’s not that I didn’t do well in school, I just found it incredibly boring.  I actually fell asleep once when I was taking an exam because I was so bored.  Needless to say, I failed that test.

I’ve been hesitant to start working on my second novel.  The first one was easy, even if it wasn’t written that well.  It was the first thing I had written in a long time and I was just proud of myself for finishing it.  Now that I’ve been writing for awhile I can’t help but second guess myself.  Is the idea good enough?  Will I be able to write an entire novel?  Will it even be interesting if I do?  Will it ever be good enough to sell?  Maybe it’s too soon.  I’ve only been writing for eleven months.

I’m trying to look at it as a practice opportunity.  The more novels I write, the better they will get.  So it doesn’t matter if the one I’m working on now doesn’t quite cut it, maybe the next one will.  I tell that to myself over and over, and yet I’m still afraid to take that next step.  I want to try and sell this one.  I want it to be good enough to at least be able to try.  Maybe my expectations are too high.  Maybe I’ll never feel like it’s good enough.  Or maybe I’ll start writing it tomorrow and this will all be a moot point.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll forget the world and just write like I used to.


About T. R. Kolbe

I have been writing since July 2010. I wrote one novel although I haven't finished editing it and I don't know that I will. I have also completed 3 short stories and have 3 more that I am working on.
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